Truth be told

Misc

I feel very out of place, always have, this isn’t a unique point of view to be honest. It just is. I just happen to exist in this state of being where nothing I do ever makes me feel more fitted in or suitable for the lived experience of earth. I want to be something less and something more at the same time.

Trying things to keep myself occupied and bothered by the way things happen. But it has it’s shortcomings. It isn’t perfect. I happened to listen to lots of near death experiences and read books about what happens in between the states of being alive and death. In trance, hypnotized, towards a path to a past life maybe. There it is, the most alive I feel myself through other people’s death experiences. It feels realer than what the world has to offer.

And in those spaces I can finally breathe. No more masks no more suits of flesh and bones, please.

I have nothing left to say, these days my thoughts run around the same topics. Death, happiness, quiet. Why quiet? Because it is truthful to me. Because in a world that denies your whole existence quiet is the only thing left to be chosen. It’s so very difficult.

I don’t want to bother with lots of words. It’s just a passing feeling that doesn’t seem to get away. I seem to be stuck in it trying to make sense of it. My out of placeless. That I bet everyone feels.

So it isn’t something too special, I think. Which makes it even banal. Nothing to be bothered by surely.

But it lives within me and it chips away at my quiet time. The voices get loud in my brain, shouting one thing or another. Having demands.

And I have nothing left to give.

Georg Janny — An Allegory of Power (1918)

Art History

Medium/size: pen & black ink, pencil, watercolor and bodycolor (gouache), heightened with gold, on paper; ~60 × 88 cm. Signed “G. Janny – Wien/1918”; verso inscribed with the moral: “Das Gute & das Böse” (“Good & Evil”). Provenance includes Sotheby’s London, 24 Nov 1988, lot 708.

Artist background: Austrian painter and stage designer trained/worked in the famed Brioschi–Kautsky studios; he moved between Alpine landscapes and fantastical scenes in the orbit of Böcklin/Doré.

The scene, decoded

Janny opposes two regimes of power:

  • Spiritual/transformative: the haloed figure that rises (literally) out of water—light, verticals, translucency.
  • Coercive/brute: the slumped dragon and its brood of snakes—weight, horizontals, opacity.

Water = threshold (baptism, rebirth, access point). Cave = chthonic interior (the unconscious, the underworld). The beam crosses the pool, projecting an oblique cross that visually “pins” the dragon—symbolic subjugation without gore. Call it victory by illumination, not decapitation. (The verso title makes the ethical framing explicit.)

Composition & stagecraft (where his theater chops show)

  • Blocking and diagonals: A primary diagonal runs from the upper-left light source to the dragon’s mass at lower right; the reflection in the pool creates a counter-diagonal. These two lines make a tilted cross that stabilizes the whole scene while dramatizing conflict.
  • Lighting design: It’s a spotlight, not generic moonlight. The beam has a crisp falloff and a controlled “pool” (pun intended) that isolates the protagonist—the exact grammar of stage illumination Janny knew from the opera house.
  • Texture rhythm: slick water → smooth robe → scaly hide → gritty ground. That tactile progression turns ethics into something you can feel.

Color, material, and that gleam

Cool blue–green tonality hushes the space so the gold heightening can do its job: the nimbus and beam literally catch ambient light in the room. In person, gold leaf/paint doesn’t just depict glow; it is glow—micro-reflective. That’s why reproductions often look flatter than the real thing. (The use of gold is documented in the auction description.)

Context: Vienna, 1918

Painted as the Habsburg world collapses (armistice, republic declared in November), the piece reads as a farewell to power defined by mass and might. It doesn’t name an empire; it dissolves one, alchemizing dragon-power into a dead weight that light can cross with ease. Janny the scenographer stages not a battle, but a transition of authority—from domination to illumination. (Biographical sources confirm his scenography roots; the date and Vienna inscription anchor the timing.)

A smart compare: The Dragon’s Cave (1917)

A year earlier Janny paints The Dragon’s Cave (listed among his works). There, the reptile is architecture; here, it’s spent force. The move from sublime monster-as-landscape to post-heroic aftermath suggests a wartime shift: spectacle → reckoning.

Ways to read it (curator’s cheat sheet)

  1. Theological: a deus ex machina that purifies rather than slays; water as baptism, dragon as Evil subdued.
  2. Psychological: the conscious (beam) entering the unconscious (cave) to integrate shadow-drives (dragon/snakes).
  3. Political-historical: painted in Vienna 1918; a visual sermon that legitimacy comes from light (clarity, ethics), not mass (coercion).

Why it works (and avoids kitsch)

  • He uses old symbols (angel/dragon) with modern theater grammar (hard spot, blocking, set-like cave).
  • The tactile dialectic—wet vs. scaly—grounds lofty allegory in bodies and surfaces.
  • The gold is not a gimmick; it’s an optical device that recruits the viewer’s space into the painting.

Display & conservation notes (for collectors/galleries)

  • Lighting: angled, not head-on; let the gold catch light without blowing highlights. 2700–3000K works well with the cool palette to keep the gold warm.
  • Glazing: museum glass to control reflections so the painted “glow” stays legible.
  • Label copy (120 words)—ready to use: In 1918 Vienna, as an empire dissolved, Georg Janny—painter and stage designer—composed this theater of moral forces. A haloed figure rises from a pool, its radiance crossing a cave to touch a felled dragon. The beam and its reflection form a tilted cross that pins brute power in place, while snakes curl across the ashen ground. Executed in ink, watercolor, gouache, and gold, the image leverages stage lighting’s logic: a hard spotlight isolates a protagonist; the set recedes to shadow. Janny’s allegory isn’t about conquest; it’s about replacement—coercion yielding to illumination. Signed and dated in Vienna, the work registers a historical pivot and a timeless one: authority grounded in light rather than mass.

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Sources:

  • Christie’s lot page — An Allegory of Power
  • Wikimedia Commons — An Allegory of Power image entry
  • Wikipedia — Georg Janny (biography)
  • Chris Beetles Gallery — artist bio
  • AskART — Georg Janny
  • Wikimedia Commons — The Dragon’s Cave (1917) image entry
  • MutualArt — An Allegory of Power (listing)
  • Artvee — An Allegory of Power
  • Wikimedia Commons category — 20th-century paintings of dragons
  • Eclectic Light — article on Brioschi/Kautsky scene-painting tradition

The Dark Dream of Reality as Spiritual Psychosis

Misc

What happens when a dream becomes too powerful, so powerful that it bleeds into waking life and reshapes reality itself? Not the dreams of individuals, but the dreams of societies, cultures, and entire civilizations. We live in a time where collective imagination often tilts toward despair, suspicion, and catastrophe. Wars spread like wildfires, economies wobble, artificial intelligence feeds back our biases until paranoia blooms, and the leftovers of religious thought put us in a vulnerable position as to how we process everything going on around us. This is not just politics, economics, or technology. It is what we might call collective spiritual psychosis: a breakdown in how we imagine and interpret the fabric of existence itself.

Collective imagination as a force of reality

    The human mind has always been a tool for world-building. Myths, rituals, and stories are the architecture of civilizations. When shared, imagination becomes a scaffolding that entire societies inhabit. Yet imagination is a double-edged sword. A person who dreams of prosperity may create it. A person who dream of apocalypse may manifest collapse. Jung spoke of the collective unconscious as a reservoir of symbols and archetypes shaping human experience. When those archetypes skew toward destruction, the Flood, the Fire, the End Times, they do not remain confined to dream-space. They leak outward. They shape laws, wars, markets, and technologies.

    In this sense, reality is never entirely objective. It is scaffolded by imagination. And when imagination curdles, reality can curdle with it.

    The dream turning nightmarish

      Fear is the most primal form of imagination. It takes the unknown and fills it with monsters. Fear-driven imagination is not passive. It guides action. Armies are mobilized, borders sealed, surveillance intensified, economies militarized. Fear shrinks possibility down to a single tunnel: survival. But ironically, fear-driven survival strategies often accelerate collapse.

      Today, we collectively dream in shadows: ecological collapse, nuclear war, technological enslavement. These nightmares are amplified by media and reinforced through algorithms. Entire nations, entire generations, find themselves imagining the worst while acting in ways that make the worst more likely. This cycle is not just political dysfunction. It is a form of mass psychosis rooted in the spiritual dimension of human thought.

      Religion as amplifier of spiritual psychosis

        Religion once offered hope, redemption, and symbolic structure. But when filtered through fear, religion itself becomes a psychotic dream. Apocalyptic cults, doomsday prophets, and religiously framed wars show how sacred symbols can be hijacked to reinforce despair.

        The irony is that sacred traditions, at their root, are tools for transcending fear. Mystical currents within Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, or Buddhism speak of union, liberation, and peace. Yet what rises to the surface in times of instability are the darkest interpretations: wrathful gods, holy wars, prophecies of destruction. When these motifs dominate the collective imagination, they feed into political realities. Armies march not only with guns, but with stories of divine vengeance.

        Thus, what might have been a path to spiritual health instead mutates into spiritual psychosis: collective delusion masquerading as divine will.

        AI as the new oracle of despair

          Technology has always extended the human psyche outward: printing press, radio, television. But artificial intelligence represents something unprecedented, a mirror that not only reflects but amplifies our inner states. Feed it paranoia, it magnifies paranoia. Feed it bias, it sharpens bias. Feed it despair, it offers infinite variations of despair.

          This creates what we might call algorithmic psychosis, a feedback loop where collective fears are reified by machines and then fed back to us as truth. The result is an acceleration of fragmentation. Reality itself feels unstable because the shared symbolic order, the consensus reality, is constantly being fractured and reassembled by algorithmic dreams that no one truly controls.

          If Jung’s collective unconscious once expressed itself in myth and folklore, today it expresses itself in data patterns and machine learning models. The danger is that AI is not neutral. It inherits and magnifies the darkness we already project.

          Economic instability as spiritual destabilization

            Economies are not purely material. They are symbolic systems of trust and imagination. A dollar is only valuable because we collectively imagine it to be. When faith in that system erodes, the collapse is not just financial. It is spiritual. People lose not only their livelihoods, but their sense of orientation in reality itself.

            The 21st century is defined by financial shocks, recessions, inflation, and inequality. Each new destabilization strengthens the psychic undertow. Anxiety about the future is not only about bills or jobs. It is about the collapse of trust in the symbolic scaffolding of modern life. Without trust, society slides deeper into psychotic imaginings: conspiracies, scapegoating, and apocalyptic narratives.

            Wars as rituals of nightmare

              War is the most literal manifestation of collective nightmare. Nations no longer simply defend borders. They defend stories of identity, superiority, and destiny. Every bomb is not only a military act but also a symbolic act, a re-enactment of ancient archetypes of vengeance and destruction.

              Wars in the present moment, whether in Eastern Europe, the Middle East, or elsewhere, are fought with religious undertones, mythic scripts, and apocalyptic rhetoric. This is not new, but what is new is the speed and scale at which the nightmare is shared. Social media makes every war a theater of spiritual psychosis, where symbols spread faster than bullets.

              The loss of symbolic balance

                Healthy societies balance their symbolic structures: hope alongside fear, myth alongside reason, order alongside chaos. But when imbalance takes over, when fear becomes the only dominant note, the symbolic system itself becomes unstable. This instability mirrors clinical psychosis, where the individual loses the ability to distinguish between imagination and reality.

                At the collective level, this means societies lose the ability to distinguish between fear-driven fantasy and grounded reality. Policy becomes reactive, art becomes nihilistic, and religion becomes apocalyptic. The dream of reality itself fractures into competing hallucinations.

                Breaking the cycle: re-dreaming reality

                  If the diagnosis is spiritual psychosis, the cure lies in re-dreaming. Just as individuals can reshape their inner narratives through therapy, meditation, or art, societies can reshape collective imagination. This requires new myths, not escapist fantasies, but narratives of resilience, integration, and healing.

                  Art, spirituality, and even technology can be redirected. Instead of AI amplifying paranoia, it could amplify compassion. Instead of religion feeding apocalypse, it could feed reconciliation. Instead of economies anchored in fear, they could be rooted in trust, reciprocity, and shared stewardship.

                  The task is not to wake up from the dream, but to change its texture. To shift imagination from paranoia to possibility. To recognize that reality is never raw fact, but always partly dream, and that we have the power to dream otherwise.

                  We stand at a precipice where collective imagination leans heavily toward the abyss. Wars, instability, and technological feedback loops threaten to make the nightmare permanent. Yet the very fact that imagination shapes reality is also a source of hope. If our nightmares can become real, so can our visions.

                  The challenge is whether we remain trapped in spiritual psychosis, or whether we find the courage to imagine a reality that heals rather than destroys. The dark dream is not inevitable. But resisting it requires radical honesty about the depth of our delusions, and radical creativity in forging new symbolic paths.

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                  Alyosha Karamazov – First impressions after The First Book, comparison with Kabbalistic Life Path 1 Archetype

                  Book Reviews

                  Alexei leaves me with the impression of that martyr-friend we all know: someone naive in his holiness, who perhaps should have been a monk, a saint, or at least a man set apart from the world. His essence reminds me of the archetype bound to the life path number 1.

                  Kabbalah, the mystical tradition of Judaism, begins with the search for unity, the attempt to gather all fragments of life back into their hidden source. At its center lies the Tree of Life, a map of creation flowing from the Infinite (Ein Sof) into the multiplicity of the world. Each number, each sefirah, is not only a stage of divine emanation but also a mirror of the human soul. The number 1 corresponds to Keter, the crown, the pure spark of divine will before it divides into thought, emotion, or action.

                  To speak of “1” in Kabbalah is to speak of beginnings, innocence, and wholeness. It is the moment before separation, the seed containing every possibility yet not bound to any form. It is untouched, uncorrupted, resting in complete trust that all unfolds from God. This is not naïveté in the shallow sense of ignorance, but a sacred innocence, a vision that sees the world not through suspicion or calculation but through faith in divine order.

                  In this regard, Alexei fits perfectly under the arching theme of holy innocence. Against him, the world appears corrupt, filled with filth, mundane desires, and the tyranny of appetites. The contrast is striking in the scene with the abbots, where only politeness allows one to endure the unbearable dialogue.

                  Alyosha radiates childlike purity and trust. He is not cynical like Ivan, nor passionate and self-destructive like Dmitri. He approaches life with openness, almost a holy naïveté. His entire being orbits around connection with God, love, and unity. He finds divinity even in suffering. This mirrors Kabbalah’s Keter, a pure channel of divine will. Amid chaos, Alyosha returns unfailingly to his core of compassion, embodying the spiritual oneness of Life Path 1. Even in his innocence, he carries a hidden strength: his presence transforms people. He never forces leadership, but he inspires it.

                  In this sense, Alyosha is both fragile and indestructible. Fragile, because his purity seems easily bruised by the brutality of life. Indestructible, because nothing external can sever his bond with the Infinite. This is the paradox of the number 1: the seed may be crushed underfoot, yet its essence remains eternal, always capable of sprouting anew. Dostoevsky makes Alyosha his vessel for this paradox. He suffers, doubts, and weeps, yet never loses the thread tying him to God.

                  Thus, Alyosha transcends mere character and becomes archetype. He is not simply the naive younger brother, but the mystic fool, the Christ-like friend who transforms others without ever intending to. His silence speaks louder than sermons, his forgiveness cuts deeper than judgment. Like Keter, he is both above and the hidden root of all that follows, the crown from which the branches of human struggle descend.

                  When we read Alyosha, we are reminded of our own forgotten seed of innocence, the part of us that once trusted without calculation and loved without fear. Dostoevsky suggests that redemption, personal and collective, does not come from fiery passions or grand philosophical systems, but from this quiet, unshakable unity with God. Alyosha does not win arguments or battles, he wins hearts. And in a world where cynicism masquerades as wisdom, his holy naïveté may be the truest wisdom of all.

                  Seen alongside his brothers, Alyosha’s role becomes clearer. Ivan embodies the tormented rationalist, dissecting the world until meaning collapses into rebellion and despair. Dmitri represents the storm of passion, forever pulled between the heights of love and the depths of destruction. Alyosha, by contrast, is not torn apart by the struggle between mind and body, but lives from the still center that holds them both. He is the reminder that faith does not require blindness, nor does purity require withdrawal from life. He carries his sanctity into the everyday, allowing it to transform the very soil of human weakness.

                  In this way, Alyosha is not a passive dreamer but Dostoevsky’s answer to the question of how one should live. He embodies the synthesis that his brothers cannot reach: thought tempered by compassion, passion guided by faith. His path is neither escape into abstraction nor surrender to appetite, but a steady return to the unity at the heart of existence.

                  Thus Alyosha stands not only as a character in a novel, but as a symbol of possibility for the reader. He reminds us that innocence, once lost, can be reawakened; that unity with God is not reserved for saints in cloisters, but available in the smallest gestures of love, humility, and forgiveness. To encounter Alyosha is to be confronted with the unsettling question: what would it mean to live with such trust, such openness, such simplicity of heart? Dostoevsky does not answer for us, but he leaves us with Alyosha as both challenge and guide.

                  Perhaps that is why Alyosha endures. He is not merely the gentle brother in a tragic Russian family saga, but a living parable of the first principle: the One, the seed, the crown. And in the quiet persistence of his holiness, we glimpse the possibility that even in the darkest age, innocence may not only survive, but redeem.


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                  Now Was the Day Departing, circa 1890. Illustration by Gustave Doré.

                  Art History
                  May be a black-and-white image

                  Visual Composition

                  The illustration captures a liminal moment: the transition between day and night. The title itself, “Now Was the Day Departing,” signals twilight, a time traditionally associated with endings, reflection, and uncertainty. Doré emphasizes this through dramatic contrasts of light and shadow: the glowing horizon dissolves into encroaching darkness, while tall, barren trees or looming natural forms frame the scene and amplify its somber tone.

                  Doré’s line work is meticulous and rhythmic, leading the viewer’s eye across the page. The use of negative space — a clearing sky or fading light — feels almost divine in its intensity, surrounded by intricate detail in the foreground. This juxtaposition of clarity and density mirrors the thematic contrast of revelation and obscurity.


                  Atmosphere and Emotion

                  The mood is melancholic, even solemn. Twilight in Doré’s hands is not soft or romantic but heavy, filled with spiritual weight. It evokes transience, mortality, and the passage of time. The scene suggests that what departs is not only daylight but also hope, security, and the known world, leaving the viewer suspended in uncertainty.

                  Doré frequently infused his works with a sense of the sublime — nature and time overwhelming human presence. If figures are included in this illustration, they are dwarfed by their environment, reinforcing the insignificance of humanity before cosmic cycles.


                  Literary and Symbolic Resonance

                  The phrase “Now was the day departing” is rooted in Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy (Inferno, Canto II). Doré illustrated this epic extensively in the 19th century. In that passage, Dante marks the moment when the sun sets and shadows lengthen — a metaphor for his descent into the underworld, both literally and spiritually.

                  In this context, Doré’s image becomes a visualization of transition: from safety to peril, from the earthly realm to the metaphysical unknown. The encroaching darkness symbolizes both death and initiation, while the receding light recalls divine grace just out of reach.


                  Artistic Significance

                  • Sublimity: Doré transforms a natural event (sunset) into a stage for cosmic drama.
                  • Universality: The image resonates beyond its Dantean roots — twilight is a universal metaphor for endings, mortality, and liminality.
                  • Style: Characterized by Doré’s signature engraving style — dense, intricate, and almost cinematic in its contrasts — the piece is a hallmark of 19th-century Romantic imagination.

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                  Jesus Ministered to by Angels, c. 1886, by James Tissot

                  Art History
                  Technical Details and Context

                  • Title: Jesus Ministered to by Angels / Jésus assisté par les anges
                  • Artist: James Jacques Joseph Tissot (known as James Tissot)
                  • Date: between 1886–1894
                  • Medium: opaque watercolor (gouache) over graphite on gray paper
                  • Dimensions: 17 × 24.8 cm (6 11/16 × 9 3/4 in.)
                  • Location: Brooklyn Museum, New York – acquired through public subscription in 1900

                  Description and Interpretation

                  The work is part of the monumental series The Life of Christ (La Vie de Notre-Seigneur Jésus-Christ), a colossal visual project of about 350 watercolors, created after a religious vision the artist had in 1885. Tissot traveled to the Middle East (1886, 1889, 1896) to study scenery, costumes, and landscapes, aiming to give historical accuracy and biblical authenticity.

                  In Jesus Ministered to by Angels, Tissot depicts Jesus in a moment of vulnerability — collapsed, perhaps, after the forty days in the desert, but surrounded and supported by angels. The atmosphere is mystical, almost eerie: light radiates from the angels’ halos, contrasting with the surrounding darkness, which emphasizes both isolation and divine support.


                  Artistic and Theological Significance

                  Symbolism & Mysticism: The painting is often placed in the Symbolist style, since it emphasizes inner religious experience rather than literal representation.
                  Reception: The public was fascinated by the clean, authentic Oriental realism, but critics of the time were divided — some admired his documentation, while others found it too theatrical, even “over-explained.”


                  Visual Analysis

                  1. Light and Shadow Contrast
                  Jesus, clothed in a radiant white garment, sits at the center of the composition in a soft, warm light. The angels, by contrast, are rendered in cold, dark gray tones — almost corpse-like — evoking mystery and otherworldliness. This contrast highlights both Jesus’s vulnerable state and the supernatural intervention breaking through the darkness.

                  2. Posture and Gesture
                  Jesus lies stretched out, slightly slack, as if just emerging from an extreme trial. The angels’ hands reach toward him, but unlike many traditional depictions, they are not necessarily tender. Instead, they seem determined, austere, even pressing. Their “service” is suggested, but it’s a paradoxical service: dignified, ritualistic, full of authority.

                  3. Mystical, Hallucinatory Atmosphere
                  The Brooklyn Museum notes that Tissot’s style oscillates between rigorous naturalism and a “decidedly mystical or hallucinatory” aesthetic, close (in intent) to William Blake. Jesus appears exhausted yet almost ethereal, stretched between two worlds.


                  Historical Context and Artistic Project

                  The Life of Christ Project: Tissot devoted his later years to this vast watercolor cycle, 350 works in total, illustrating biblical scenes with archaeological attention to costumes, landscapes, and people. He traveled through the Middle East to study the terrain “on site.”
                  This work belongs to that cycle, most likely intended as the scene after the temptation in the desert, when “the angels ministered unto him” (Mark 1:13; cf. Matthew 4:11, Luke 4:14). Tissot depicts not just the event but the inner state — exhaustion, divine indulgence, absolute service.


                  Theological and Symbolic Interpretation

                  1. Human Vulnerability + Divine Support
                  Jesus, both God and man, appears weakened. This is a moment where his humanity — fatigue, suffering — is partially exposed. The angels come to serve him, to bring comfort. It’s a clear image of the idea that even the Son, in the limits of the body, received support — and more so, from heavenly beings.

                  2. Inner Darkness vs. Divine Light
                  The angels, painted in cold, shadowy grays, may represent aspects of the spiritual world that are not the comforting, luminous angels of tradition. Here, support is austere, solemn, mysterious, almost heavy with introspection. The light shining on Jesus is real, clear, but not festive. The focus is on sacred support, not triumphalism.

                  3. Re-activating the Scriptural Episode
                  The biblical text simply says: “the angels came and ministered to him.” It doesn’t specify how, only that they acted. Tissot takes artistic freedom to imagine them as shadowy-luminous presences, emerging not from outside but from the depth of spiritual reality. This is service, but it reminds us that religion is not always comforting.

                  4. Breathing Between Realism and Vision
                  Tissot fuses ethnographic realism (archaic costumes, authentic Middle Eastern scenery) with presences that feel fantastical. It’s a contrast between what is seen and tangible (realism) and what is unseen yet palpable (vision, the supernatural).


                  Conclusion

                  Tissot’s work does not aim to be a pretty “religious illustration” — it is a militant visual reconstruction of a moment of holy exhaustion, followed by a solemn, sacred intervention. The stark contrast between shining light and the heavy, almost oppressive angels pulls us out of comfortable religious imagery and confronts us with spiritual ambiguity: divine support is offered, but not always with smiles or angelic songs.


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                  plânsul [ro] | the cry [eng]

                  Poetry

                  cuvintele astea pe care nu le mai găsesc, al cărui sens nu îl mai înțeleg, mă caută ele pe mine

                  eu tac și zac

                  sunt ca un mort, ceva cadavru, un dans macabru

                  în orice caz necomestibil

                  pe tine nu te mai văd, tot ce am așteptat în capul meu, creat cu greu cu grijă cu cântec

                  și descântec

                  vrăji și poțiuni

                  cuvinte și rușini

                  ascunsă după deget pot să te găsesc. acum al meu calvar nu îl voi cunoaște decât eu, de

                  ce? așa că stai acolo unde ești, în odihna ta eternă, ceva sumbru și nespus

                  nici nu mai pot gândi clar tot aștept un semn ceva orice

                  urme de apă caldă în vise eu te iert

                  te leg și dezleg dar mereu aici în visele frumoase

                  în visele înfricoșătoare, undeva pe un munte

                  te-aș aștepta


                  these words that I can no longer find, whose meaning I no longer understand, they search for me

                  I stay silent and lie still

                  I am like a dead man, some corpse, a macabre dance

                  in any case inedible

                  I no longer see you, all that I waited for in my head, created with effort with care with song

                  and incantation

                  spells and potions

                  words and shames

                  hidden behind a finger I can find you. now my torment will be known only by me, why?

                  so stay there where you are, in your eternal rest, something grim and unspoken

                  I can no longer think clearly I keep waiting for a sign something anything

                  traces of warm water in dreams I forgive you

                  I bind and unbind you but always here in the beautiful dreams

                  in the frightening dreams, somewhere on a mountain

                  I would wait for you


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                  something else [eng] | altceva [ro]

                  Poetry

                  to simply drift away into not being, a body, not anymore.

                  Not at all. I could then probably express some sort of buried sadness something that

                  even I have forgotten, by the time you realize all my mistakes I will already be gone

                  Be something else, erased. So you have nothing to be held against me. Just and maybe

                  becomes something I don’t have to deal with, something that might be yours but

                  never mine. I can finally breathe. Move one step here one step there, let the dripping sweat

                  rest and dry, blent into my skin to the point of indistinguishable resemblance

                  I will be happy. And that’s a maybe happy, maybe not. As a game we cannot play unless

                  we have the keys to each others hearts you let me in I let you in, we wash our feet

                  wash away the errors. Everything will be clean, and neat. You will sit next to me and me

                  next to you. It will all be lovely again and I will feel something again. Something else will rise,

                  a chopped word makes me happy it’s something only you will know. I promise you all these

                  somethings could be ours forever, and I hope with my heart full of love that

                  the case for us will be, some joy for us to see.

                  să alunec pur și simplu înspre a nu mai fi, un trup, nu pentru mult timp.

                  Deloc. Aș putea atunci probabil să exprim un fel de tristețe îngropată, ceva ce

                  chiar și eu am uitat, iar până vei realiza toate greșelile mele eu voi fi deja plecată.

                  Să fiu altceva, ștearsă. Ca să nu ai nimic împotriva mea. Doar și poate

                  să devină ceva cu care eu nu trebuie să mă confrunt, ceva ce ar putea fi al tău dar

                  niciodată al meu. Pot în sfârșit să respir. Să mă mișc un pas aici, un pas acolo, să las sudoarea

                  să se odihnească și să se usuce, amestecată în pielea mea până la punctul unei asemănări de nedistins.

                  Voi fi fericită. Și asta e poate fericită, poate nu. Ca un joc pe care nu îl putem juca decât dacă

                  avem cheile inimilor noastre, tu mă lași să intru, eu te las să intri, ne spălăm picioarele,

                  spălăm toate greșelile. Totul va fi curat și ordonat. Tu vei sta lângă mine și eu

                  lângă tine. Totul va fi din nou minunat și eu voi simți ceva din nou. Altceva se va ridica,

                  un cuvânt retezat mă face fericită — e ceva ce doar tu vei ști. Îți promit că toate aceste

                  „ceva-uri” ar putea fi ale noastre pentru totdeauna, și sper cu inima plină de iubire că

                  așa va fi pentru noi, o bucurie pe care să o vedem.


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                  pare că [ro] | It seems as [eng]

                  Poetry

                  se pare că drumurile toate ne-au adus într-un

                  soi de împreunare.

                  ceva ce putem diseca, rumega,

                  undeva pe planeta asta unde

                  analiza de sine este statornică în sine

                  își alină rănile

                  își plânge morții

                  și noi facem mai multe decât să privim.

                  undeva aici aproape există

                  cu siguranță

                  ceva mai bun pentru mine, pentru

                  că altfel ce rost ar avea toate cele

                  dureroase.

                  it seems that all the roads have brought us int a kind of

                  togetherness.

                  something we can dissect, chew on,

                  somewhere on this planet where

                  self-analysis is steadfast in itself

                  soothes its wounds

                  mourns its dead

                  and we do more than just watch.

                  somewhere close by there exists

                  surely

                  something better for me, because

                  otherwise what meaning would all these

                  painful things have.


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