I feel very out of place, always have, this isn’t a unique point of view to be honest. It just is. I just happen to exist in this state of being where nothing I do ever makes me feel more fitted in or suitable for the lived experience of earth. I want to be something less and something more at the same time.

Trying things to keep myself occupied and bothered by the way things happen. But it has it’s shortcomings. It isn’t perfect. I happened to listen to lots of near death experiences and read books about what happens in between the states of being alive and death. In trance, hypnotized, towards a path to a past life maybe. There it is, the most alive I feel myself through other people’s death experiences. It feels realer than what the world has to offer.

And in those spaces I can finally breathe. No more masks no more suits of flesh and bones, please.

I have nothing left to say, these days my thoughts run around the same topics. Death, happiness, quiet. Why quiet? Because it is truthful to me. Because in a world that denies your whole existence quiet is the only thing left to be chosen. It’s so very difficult.

I don’t want to bother with lots of words. It’s just a passing feeling that doesn’t seem to get away. I seem to be stuck in it trying to make sense of it. My out of placeless. That I bet everyone feels.

So it isn’t something too special, I think. Which makes it even banal. Nothing to be bothered by surely.

But it lives within me and it chips away at my quiet time. The voices get loud in my brain, shouting one thing or another. Having demands.

And I have nothing left to give.